Jokes

Hi Louie
We need to tell you some jokes I think
Keep it clean girls

Oh

They have brought out a new anti-diuretic wine
It is a blend of Pinot Grigio and Pinot Noire
And it is called Pinot More

good one Sadie

Sister Mary Katherine

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. '
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
Priest said to her,
'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak
two words.'
Sister Mary Katherine said,
'Hard bed.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said,
'We will get you a better bed.'
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'
'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine,
and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister
Mary Katherine in to his office.
'You may say two words today.'
'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.
'It's probably best,' said the Priest,
'You've done nothing but moan since you got here

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

T hee
Love it

Thanks so much for these just laughed.

My sister send this to me tonight from Aspen Colorado.

Thought this would make you smile.

Subject: FW: MAN RULES


The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side..

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!



1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes sad
you or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what
mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to
hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as
baseball or motor sports


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -

to give them a bigger laugh.

What do you think????

Brilliant!
Alan keeps saying he has the body of a God...............Buddha

He's much slimmer than Buddha, better looking as well......

I ain't telling him THAT!!!
He would get a BIG head!!!
Eyes off Mrs
Just kidding

He is my big cuddly bear
Thanks for the compliment

Don't worry I can only cope with one man at a time and can't even do that sometimes.

know the feeling


Imagine me having an affair
He would have to be desparate
would have to be a platonic one


Oh that has made me laugh!
Confessions of a Crafter.........new best seller

great jokes, lv Janet x

Scotty if I wrote about my life it would be a best seller its worse that Peyton Place. No thats a blast from the past. That was before Dallas. Does anyone remember it?

I remember it Louie, have read the book at least threet times, gosh that brings back so old memories. Lv Janet x

Sure do - Mia Farrow was a we slip of a girl then.

Here's another joke for you (bit 'cheeky' but made me laugh)

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango
and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it
was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the
shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it
over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it
was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the
women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

Poppytree

Thats so funny!!

They are all really good, thanks for the laugh

Good one Jane

BRILLIANT Jane

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,
"Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

great

Janet x

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl
of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to
a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic
cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her
favourite lolly and M&Ms! What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the
bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile
and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight
again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression changed to one of total
realisation...

'I meant my dress size, you *idiot !!!' (*not her original description - too rude)

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still
gonna get it wrong.....