Monarch or President? (Who will I upset today? - sorry, I'm fed up with being PC)

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II


In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,?and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!

Oh very good Jane very good Janet xx

Glad you like it - made me chuckle anyway. Glad Obama got in but we'll not hear the end of it for a while, hence the light relief!

He has a lovely face, I was glad it was him too. Janet x

lady of kent wrote:He has a lovely face, I was glad it was him too. Janet x

That's the way to vote Janet You should have stood and you would have beaten him with your smile

So true Jacky

I must admit I am so pleased that Obamma got in too
I would just like to add a few things to that list

Trick or Treat will revert back to the Celtic festival that is was originally and lanterns will be made out of turnips, lot harder but see it as a challenge

Only Whisky made in Scotland will be called by that name and only Whiskey distilled in Ireland will be referred to by that name!

Madisson Square Gardens will be given back to it's rightful owners ( the descendents of the Edwards' Family) and I am first in lline to claim my share!!!

WHOOPEEE!!!!
Craft goodies would be on me

He is quite cute too I wouldnt wanna be him
with all the death threats he has had

Scotty wrote:

Madisson Square Gardens will be given back to it's rightful owners ( the descendents of the Edwards' Family) and I am first in lline to claim my share!!!

WHOOPEEE!!!!
Craft goodies would be on me

Wow you should persue your claim Sadie.

Jackie there have been lawyers working on that case for years
There is no way they are going to hand over that land
My ancestor owned the land and gave it to the American government for 100 years on the understanding that it was handed back to his heirs after that period

My paternal Grandmother was a direct heir
To be honest she could have done with it
God love her, a lovely woman who was loved by everyone who met her and hadn't two pennies to rub together
She died not long after giving birth to my Father leaving a family of 6 with a dying Father and just enough to bury him
I remember one old man telling me she always had a sweet in her pocket for any child who was upset and was always the first to help out any neighbour
My one regret is that my Dad had passed away when I was told this

Well we know who you take after then Sadie "God love her, a lovely woman who was loved by everyone who met her " but what a sad story It must have been hard on them all, who brought your father up.

Oh Jacky I wish I was half the woman she seemed to be
But thanks for the lovely comment ayway
His sisters brought him up Jacky
Thankfully they were old enough to do so, in those days anyway
And Gran's good deeds were not in vain as they went home to find a rather anonymous large hamper of food left in their house for them
The help of the community meant they were kept out of the work house

Quite funny because Mum was an orphan at a young age and was, in her words ' a spoiled little madame '
She had loads of relatives and they all spoiled her, she even went to elocution lessons
Isn't it queer how life deals us all different lots
We used to wind Mum up by saying things like 'mulk' or 'woter'
Right enough of my walk down memory lane

Though it could become another section

Not the memories I have had recently

This is great. I have sent it to my sister who lives in America. I know it will make her chuckle

Craftworker wrote:Not the memories I have had recently

I am saying nowt

Gees look at the time!!!
I haven't had my coffee yet
And I was supposed to be getting on with my swap card, sorry Crafty teacher,
and my ATCs, sorry Jacky
Then my Christmas cards, sorry Santa

You are all a bad influence
But I have enjoyed it
Thankyou folks